Anxiety is taking over...

Well this week has been a rough one for me. I have been a basket of nerves and on the verge of tears every day. For some reason or another my anxiety has been on over-drive. What am I so DANG axious about?! I'm questioning the heck out of everything in my life. I feel like I'm not prepared for what's about to happen. However, I can't seem to figure out what that "something" is. I'm 1 month away from being 1yr post-op and feel like I'm running out of time. Out of time for what? I don't know. I'm questioning that question too! You see, I'm so confused that I can't even get anything straight in my head. I feel like there's so much more I need to do. I've come this far with my weight loss and what have I accomplished...??? Now I find myself asking what is it that I want to accomplish? My life has been a whirlwind the last year focusing solely on losing weight, making the right choices and becoming the "new" me. Does one ever really change? Am I a different person or just a smaller person with a better view of health?

Fall is the best time of the year for me. I absolutely LOVE this time. Not specifically because of the holidays (although that's partially it), but the weather, the early dark nights, the crisp mornings, the smells, etc... Because of all of my anxiety, I find myself not enjoying this time. What is wrong with me?! AGGGHHHH!! How do I snap out of it?

I have so much to be thankful for and I'm being selfish by wanting more or perhaps "pushing aside" what is so grand in my life. I see the problem, but am at a loss with how to deal with it or get past it. How to become a better me is what I'm striving for. I suppose I'm striving too hard and it's not working in my favor. I don't want to be a failure. Specifically with my weight loss. I MUST keep going...

Fighting my demons from within

It's been a LONG time since I've posted, for rational reasons. Sorry for the delay, but you know, with the "new and improved" me, I actually have a life now!

So, I've decided to clean out my closet (i.e. release my demons). I haven't had the "hunger" feeling for so long until now. I'm almost 11 months post-op and have lost 115lbs! WOW! As you might say. However, it's been rough the last month or so. I find myself wanting to "grab" something to fill a void. I can't do this. I REFUSE to do this! As I've stated before, this is a psychological surgery, in my opinion I will add. I had to go through psychological counseling prior to my surgery as an insurance requirement. During these sessions, I had to understand, and try to overcome what caused me to become the plus sized person I was. Why did I snack or choose the "wrong" types of food? The result consisted of simplicity...

I never thought having this surgery would be easy, but right now it's excrutiatingly hard! My husband got a new job working nights. I think that having him around filled that "void". Or, perhaps, I'm too embarrassed about what he'll say/think if I am eating the wrong foods or snacking. I don't want to fail and I'm deathly afraid of rejection or negative judgement. Now that he's gone, I find myself trying to fill that void with food/snacking. To avoid giving in to that inner demon, I made a list. A list of things to do instead of snacking. Here's what I've come up with:

1. Take the dogs for a walk (good exercise for me and them *win, win bonus*)
2. Ride my bike (again, great exercise)
3. Go to the gym (see a pattern here??)
4. Make a budget
5. Balance my checkbook
6. Clean house (2300 sq ft gets dirty quickly, I can find SOMETHING to clean!)
7. Take pictures (I love learning new things with photography)
8. Give the dogs a bath
9. Visit a neighbor
10. Go through my "junk" closet/room
11. Re-decorate
12. Call someone (I HATE when people eat while on the phone!)
13. Take a bath while reading a book
14. Pluck my eyebrows
15. Floss my teeth
16. Try new make-up

17. Arrange my clothes
18. Clean out my drawers
19. Straighten up my shoes
20. Wash my car
21. Make a crafty gift for someone
22. Weed the yard
23. Iron my clothes
24. Drink water
25. Paint my toes/finger nails

Now I could have said to read a book/magazine, surf the internet, IM/chat or blog, but, the fact is, those are things that are easily accompanied by a snack. How does one overcome these demons?? I've been stuck at the same weight for a month now. I'm glad it hasn't gone up, but I'm hoping for down... I still have 30lbs more that I'd like to lose. Then keeping it off will be the trick. I can do this, I know I can!

Birthday!! 6/17/09

So this morning I woke up to a big kiss from the hubby and a HAPPY BIRTHDAY wish! He actually remembered :) Here we are ready to start the day.

He's going to take me to work today because I'm only working a half day. He says there's a special day planned for me. While I'm at work for the morning he is going to run a couple of errands and whatever else it is that he feels ever so inclined to do! LOL. I think he stopped at the library and surfed the net. I'm not really sure!!

When I got done getting ready this morning, I came downstairs to find a nice card sticking out of the top of my purse! He knew if it was there, I wouldn't miss it. He knows me all too well. I have tunnel vision and am oblivious to everthing other than what's on my mind! HAHA... That's just me. Anyway, I open the card, and HOW beautiful! It was nice and shiny with lots of glitter and the words were heartfeldt. I'm reminded all of the time why I LOVE this man! He's such a gift to me :) So, here's a pic of it.

The picture certainly don't do it justice, but it was VERY nice. I really loved it!

I got to work and started my day. Amanda (co-worker) gave me a gift certificate to Kohl's! I love that store and it's great to get clothes for all of us post-op's on the cheap! You can find some EXCELLENT deals there for clothes. Actually, everything in there is very well priced. If you haven't been, GO! If you have been, you know what I mean. I get lots of my clothes there :)

The hubby picked me up from work and took me to Joe's Crab Shack! I'd never been before and it turned out WONDERFUL! A little expensive for my likings, but good food. The server was great to! BIG PLUS in my book. Here's my pic in front of the "Crab Shack"!!

I had been craving crab legs for a couple weeks. Hence, the reason the hubby decided to bring me here. He heard that theirs were really good. He thought I'd like that. Again, how did I get so lucky to find a man like him? My love... ALWAYS striving to give me the best. Gotta love him! Especially since he hates all forms of seafood. He "dealt" with it because he know that's what I wanted. What a guy. I think he's a keeper!

I ordered a variety of crab legs. I've only ever had snow crab but decided that I'd be a little more open with my foods. All of you post-op's know that your taste buds really to change after surgery! Give things a 2nd try if you didn't like them pre-op. Here's a picture of the 3 claws I tried. Dungeness Crab, Snow Crab and King Crab. There's also corn on the cob and some small red potatoes. As a post-op, I DO NOT eat potatoes, so they went to waste. I will occassionally have corn on the cob, but very rarely. Not a good post-op eat in my opinion. On a rare basis is ok, but not a regular eat for me :)

So, crab is a VERY good source of protein for the post-op's out there. It's easy to digest and a good for you. It is packed with the "good" fats you need too! If you're one that can eat shell fish and like it, I highly recommend this! YUMMY! The hubby had to wait for me to get done. This is definitely not something you can eat in just the allotted 20 minutes that they tell you for mealtime. Cracking the shells take that long! The little thing they give you for helping with the shell cracking was cute. It said "Stolen from Joe's Crab Shack"! Funny that they encourage you to take it! I guess that plays a roll into why the prices are so high there! LOL! J/K

The hubby had a steak with some cheesy potatoes. He let me have a bite and it was really good. He was done eating long before I was, but sat patiently waiting and handing me napkins as I needed them! I tell ya, he's always there for me. Always looking out. I love this man!

After I was done eating, the server & "crew" came over to sing happy birthday to me. You know how they are so LOUD when they sing! They told me that every time they pointed at me I would have to yell "I have hard shelled crabs". It was pretty embarrasing dressed up in my bib and yelling that I have crabs! David snapped a few pics of that. Not very flattering, but a great memory for sure!

After lunch we went and walked through the mall to get some of those caleries off of us! The hubby found some good deals on some clothes for him. I found some cute flip-flops and just enjoyed walking around. Around 4:00 we decided to get a little dessert. I don't usually do dessert, but it was my bday! We had sugar-free gelato (Italian Ice Cream). I love this stuff!! It's much better for you than Ice Cream and yogurt. Try it!

After this little snack, we decided to come home. Our friends, Suzannah & Chris stopped by to say hi and wish me a Happy Birthday. What does one do without friends and a great husband! What a great and relaxing day I had. It was nice not having to worry with a party, entertaining a bunch of people and the prepping for all of that stuff. It was easy going and extremely ejoyable! Thanks to everyone for the happy bday wishes!

Lastly, I must say that I'm now down 100lbs! WOOO HOOO! Size 22/24 to a 12/14 now. Happy to be about 1/2 my original size! I'm on the verge of being more or less a size 12, but they're still a little tight for my likings. Soon, baby. SOON! That's why my DJ always says :)

MY Rollercoaster Ride

THIS IS THE CURRENT ME!




Hey all. It's been a while since I've written and I'm sorry. My emotions have been haywire lately and I've taken some much needed time to "think" about my NEW LIFE. Since having my guts re-arranged, I've had no problems adjusting to the new me. Eating, drinking, vitamins, etc... It's all been pretty easy for me. Until the last couple of weeks... Here's some things that have been fretting over!



One: I didn't go through any kind of sad, feel sorry for me, post-op buyers remorse or anything like that. I was so excited at how the weight was falling off that I remained happy and content with everything I had done. The work up to getting the surgery was the hardest part. My mom and I found a sidewalk sale of clothes one day right before I was scheduled to have surgery. I looked and found clothes for $1, $2, $3, etc... But, I couldn't buy them. You see, for me I just could not imagine myself thinner. I have always seen myself as "fat" (that's the "F" word in my house!) and couldn't justify buying these clothes not knowing for certain that I'd be THAT size. So, I put them all back. My mom assured me that I would lose the weight and it wouldn't be long before I was in these smaller sizes. I couldn't do it though. That was the first hurdle I jumped.



Two: After getting past being able to buy clothes for myself that were smaller, I experienced some other emotions. People are starting to notice the changes. They don't necessarily notice that I've lost weight, but that something has changed. Lots of them asked, "Did you do something different with your hair?" or "Have you been tanning or do something different with your make-up?" I'd simply say no and change the subject. When the first person said, "WOW! You look great! How much weight have you lost?" My face turned beat red and I started to sweat! I could feel my heart pounding in my chest! I'd never been given attention or been complimented on my looks because I've always been challenged with being over weight. I had to say the amount of pounds and then the next question comes, "How did you do it?" Now, this is where it got REALLY hard for me. I didn't want to be open with my RNY surgery. I kept it a secret from just about everyone in my life. My dad, step-mom, aunt, grandma, cousins, etc... I didn't want anyone to know except my best friends, mom and co-worker/boss. That's it. So, I'd simply answer, "Proportions, exercise and making the right food choices." That IS the truth. And that's what I still say to this day. I just can't tell people that I've had the surgery! How is it that I can sit here online and blog about my adventures with the surgery, but in person, I just CANNOT tell people what I've done?! Doesn't make sense and I am having a hard time accepting that of myself. Why should it be so hard? Is it because I'm afraid people will continue to judge me for having the surgery? Will people think less of my accomplishments because they think I took the "EASY WAY OUT?" GRRRR! It's NOT easy no matter what anyone says! Am I or am I not ready to be open with what I've done?? I can't answer that...



THREE: This is a psychological surgery (in my personal opinion). Being in the honeymoon stage for 7 months now, I need to remember that they operated on my stomach/intestines, not my head. I and only I have to stay on track and make the right decisions. I've noticed that no matter what I've eaten these last 7 months, I've lost weight. It WON'T stay like this. I have to remember to make the right choices. This surgery is a tool to help and WILL work if you make the right choices with what you eat. MAKE sure to get all of your protein intake and get on a exercise regimine. It's an absolute MUST to work out and continue to eat healthy. Find the foods that are loaded with protein and all your good vitamins that you enjoy eating. There are SO many great recipes out there that have been life saving for me and kept me away from eating the "wrong thing". Stay on track! Get in touch with fellow WLS patients and support groups. Do a recipe exchange or set up a pot luck with a bunch of yummy, post-op friendly dishes.



Check out these websites:

http://www.locarbdiner.com/

http://www.dietfacts.com/

http://www.whfoods.org/foodstoc.php

http://bariatrictv.com/



Remember, protein first with veggies & fruit! You can make yummy deserts with protein powders too. Be creative! If anyone has any recipes they'd like to share, I'm ALL ears!



Keep your focus on your own journey!

Just another day...

This is me with my dear friend, Sherry's, dog PARKER! He's the best!

So today the husband got a great lead for a job. Not the best money, but great benefits and a set schedule. Guaranteed 40 hours a week and it would be a good foot in the door for a corrections officer position. That would be his ultimate goal. Say a little prayer that it will all work out the way it's supposed to! After 2 weeks of not working, he's going stir crazy and is starting to drive me crazy too! LOL The ex-wife is also driving me crazy, but I won't go into that right now...

I've been doing great. I'm down another 2lbs so far this week. I've hit the 6 month mark and am told that I should now be losing 8-12 lbs a month. Now is the time when I'm able to eat more than I was and am seeing the weight loss slow WWWAAAAAYYYY down. I'm also feeling a bit timid about eating more than I have been for fear that I will either gain weight or plateau at this weight. Don't get me wrong, I am very happy with loss that I have had, but need to lose more. I'm still about 50lbs from my goal weight. I have more energy now than I have had in a LONG time. For the first time in many years, I actually feel like I look somewhat decent. Not trying to sound conceited or egotistical, just saying that when you live in a body with 140lbs of extra weight, it feels good and gives your self-esteem a boost when you lose more than half of that.

On the downside of things, I'm noticing that I have considerable hair loss and am noticing the lose skin showing up. If anyone out there has any exercise tips to help with that, I'm listening! As far as the hair loss, I'm eating as much protein as I can with my fruit & veggies :) I've gotten AWESOME recipes and advise from a fellow blogger "TheWorldAccordingToEggface". I'm drinking a yummy protein shake now that I made from fresh strawberries and a banana. YUM! Don't forget to get your 80-100 grams of protein EVERY day!

Hope everyone else out there is doing well and life is treating you good. Again, any good exercise tips or protein recipes that could be shared are greatly appreciated!!

CHANGES

Here's my changing pictures. I started at a weight of 287 (Oct 2008) and am now down to 195. There's something magical that happened inside of me when I beat the 200 mark. My 6 month labs have been done and all of my vitamin and blood levels are exactly where they need to be with no problems. I'm proud of that. :)

So, here's to changes!

This is quite an interesting email I got. For all of my post-op friends (or anyone for that matter) it's VERY important to get your 64oz in EVERY day :)

DRINKING WATER


The following will probably amaze and startle you.


One glass of water shuts down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a University study.


Lack of water is the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.


Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.


A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen.


Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.


Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day?

The "Easy Way Out"

I'm not much of a writer, but this is what I've got!

It's been a while since I've posted because I've been contimplating some things people have "implied" about WLS. I do believe that the majority of people who imply such feelings on WLS are obviously ignorant and haven't done thier homework. The truth of that matter is that obesiety is a disease. Can it be controlled in some cases? Sure. But the long term results tend to just get worse. If you've struggled with weight, you know what I'm talking about. When you have 120-175lbs to lose, it's very overwhelming and depressing. I've lost a little over half of my excess weight (90lbs) since my bypass and have never felt better.

Answer this, if an alcoholic or drug addict needs help, why is the american population in support of rehab? Because it's become socially acceptable and applauded when someone who is suffering from addiction and decides to accept "help" for it. So, why isn't WLS socially accepted when a morbidly obese person decides to get "help" with losing weight? People tend to be ignorant at what they don't know. Losing weight has been hard for me. Keeping it off has been harder than any breakup, quitting smoking, moving away from friends/family, losing a loved one or anything else I've ever done in my life. So I accepted help as an alcoholic or drug addict who is ready for help would. Don't judge me for taking the steps to admitting I had a problem and then accepting the help.

It's not easy when you take that ONE extra bite and it literally gets stuck in your esophogus because there's no more room in your new "pouch". The feeling of being absolutely STUFFED and the immense pressure in your chest is not easy. Not being able to drink while you eat, making sure to get ALL of your vitamins and water in every day when you are extremely FULL, remembering to eat protein first, 3 bites of protein, 1 bite of fruit, 3 bites of protein, 1 bite of veggies, chewing to applesauce consistancy, understanding what your body is telling you, knowing the difference of "satisfied" versus "full". These are all NOT easy things when your new stomach can hold the equivelant of a 1/2 of a cup at a time.

When you learn to eat a certain way, the way mom/dad taught you, it's not easy to change that after 25+ years. What about all of the changes your body is going through because of the rapid weight loss? I often contimplate how I will look if I lose the weight, how will people react, how will I feel about myself, will I be more active, what about fatigue, mobility, etc... All of the answers are positive so far. That's after 6 months post-op. I went to the DR and had my blood tested and am more healthy now than I've EVER been.

So, anyone who hasn't walked a day in a WLS patients shoes and haven't done your research, shut up with your ignorant and negative comments. This has been the best damn thing that I've done for myself. Many WLS patients I've talked to say the same thing. Are there bad stories from some who didn't succeed or had lots of problems? Of course. But, in my opinion, this is a psychological surgery. If you aren't ready, you won't succeed. I prepared for this surgery for a year and a half. Sleep studies, monthly doctor appointments, supervised diets, supervised exercise regimins, seminars, psychological evaluations, etc... I was determined to make my health better. Judge me if you will, but what is your weakness?? Just because mine was different than yours, doesn't give you the right to judge me. Walk a day in my shoes...

RE-ROUTED INTESTINES/STOMACH (RNY)

Today would be one of the reasons NOT to eat certain foods. After having my intestines and stomach re-routed, some foods don't do so well going down.... I had gastric bypass back in Nov. 2008. I've been fine until tonight. Yes... I had to throw up! I haven't thrown up since my 2nd month until tonight. After not eating all day, I decided I needed to eat. It was one of those shakey/dizzy feelings. I had to eat right then and there! So, much to my dismay I will add, we decided to eat at a "fast food" chinese place. Now, I like thier Mandarine chicken as well as their chicken & green beans, but tonight, they didn't like me. Four bites was all it took for me... I had to stop while my husband finished. I didn't feel right. It wasn't an "I over ate" feeling, but almost a painful feeling. Hard to describe it. I sat and waited, hoping it would pass like it usually does, but it never did go away. I took my food to go so I could eat it later and we left. Not 5 minutes later I had to have DJ pull over. There I sat, like someone in a drunken stooper, vomiting on the side of the road!! It never ceases to amaze me how much one can up-chuck with a stomach about 1cup in size. Hmmm... point to ponder. Now that it's all out and has been a couple of hours, I'm eating cottage cheese. It's soft and I know I can tolerate it. I spiced it up with some avocado with garlic salt and pepper. YUM! Hit's the spot :)

This weekend we packed up the beach bag, grabbed my book, crossword puzzles, and some post-op friendly snacks my friend taught me how to make. :) Thanks Michelle :) I lathered up the kids with SPF 60 when my phone rang, I answered it and forgot to lather myself up in SPF. Here I sit, burnt! Now some people would say it's my own fault, but I say it's my own stupidity! How does one forget to put their SFP on?? The next question is, since I'm going to NE on Thursday, will it be gone by then or peeling?? This, my friends, is what I'm afraid of... I have been making sure I have lots of aloe and lotion handy. I don't want to peel for Sherry's wedding. Especially since I'm the only bridesmaid. Im trying to be optomistic by telling myself that I'll at least have SOME color!

Tomorrow the husband has to go to several places to find a job. In this economy, I'm really trying to believe that God has a plan. He has closed one door and we will await the opening of the next. Keep the faith, right?! EVERYTHING happens for a reason. I truly believe that and know that it will all work out the way it's supposed to.

Zeus man (DOG) had an upset stomach last night. Justin wanted Zeus to sleep with him and closed the door so he couldn't get out. In the middle of the night, when Zeus was trying to wake him up, Justin shoo'd him away and rolled over. Zeus couldn't wait any longer. He suffered from IBS and had to release. The smell of it sure didn't make Justin just roll over and shoo Zeus away!! He was up and waking his Dad up to help him clean it up. Poor Zeus has a chaffed nose from trying to poke it under the door for someone else's attention. Justin has decided to no longer have Zeus sleep in his room with the door shut! Never a dull moment here!

Until next time... :)

It's 6AM and after just about NO sleep last night, I must get up and get going for the day. The husband says he is going to do whatever he can to find a job and in the meantime, he'll work on unemployment. Unfortunately, we live in a state that has the ABSOLUTE worst unemployment benefits! Guess that's what makes someone get their rear in gear about getting a job!

I have a DR appointment this morning. Have to go get some blood taken. I've been feeling a bit out of sorts the last week. Getting dizzy spells and confused. Need to figure out what that's all about...

It's Friday! Enjoy the weekend. I'll be back on with more later. :)

I'm wondering what posessed me to have enough courage to display myself "online." However... this IS 2009, right?! So, here goes:

Today was quite an interesting day. I got news that the husband got laid off. I couldn't help but be utterly pissed off about the situation. However, I got in contact with a dear friend I had lost contact with. It was so wonderful to hear from her and about what's new in her life. I sincerely enjoyed our conversation. But, now that the "chat" is over with her, here come all of the anxieties of the "WHAT NOW?" questions. That's putting it nicely! In this economy, where does one find a job? I have to believe that EVERYTHING happens for a reason and there's a plan about to unfold. Can't help but hope for the best, but prepare for the worst, right?!

I'm going to NE next week to be the maid of honor in my girlfriends wedding! In a world where the internet and social networking websites have taken over the use of a telephone call or perhaps a letter in the mail, I must say that I too have jumped on the cyber band wagon! Middle school was filled with hormones and swapping of friends on a monthly basis. Sherry & I were inseperable. Then she switched schools and there I was... alone. There she was... alone. Now, because of the "cyber world" our worlds have collided once again! It just so happened that she's ready for holy matrimony and needed a maid of honor. I honoredly accepted her offer! So off to another adventure!

The kids are coming over tomorrow night for the weekend. I will be busy with the laundry, packing, cleaning and planning meals for the next week. It's supposed to be warm (90) this weekend. I think I will take a break and go with the family to the pool. I also will take the furry friends to the green belt and let them RUN. Oh, how to make them all happy but do something for myself too. :) That's the story of my life!

I'll keep you posted with "more on me" soon...